My Uphill Battle with depression….

If anyone  had told me several years ago that everything would get better, I would have nodded while screaming disbelief inside my head. I thought things simply could not get better, that I’d be forever feel imprisoned in a dark room. Hi, my name is LaShaen and  I am in a battle with Depression.

Some of you reading this may think that depression is a form of emotion that just comes and goes and then everything goes back to normal the next day and so on. WRONG! Depression is so much more than that.Sadness or downswings in mood are normal reactions to life’s struggles, setbacks, and disappointments. Many people use the word “depression” to explain these kinds of feelings, but depression is much more than just sadness.

Some people describe depression as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. However, some depressed people don’t feel sad at all—they may feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic, or men in particular may even feel angry, aggressive, and restless.

Whatever the symptoms, depression is different from normal sadness in that it engulfs your day-to-day life, interfering with your ability to work, study, eat, sleep, and have fun. The feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness are intense and unrelenting, with little, if any, relief.

I began my battle with Depression at a young age, around middle school. I was miserable. There was so much going on surrounding my mother’s death and I jut could not deal. I was always in a mix between hot and cold. I went from happy to sad, angry to furious in a matter of seconds. It was so hard on me. It was just something that I could not turn off. Although I wanted to so badly, i couldn’t reach out for help. I gave in to peer pressure, I did all of the wrong things and acted out because I had no control over it. I’d lock myself in my room away from everything and just mope. I thought i was going to die. The light at the end of the tunnel came for me when I entered High School. I began to feel normal again. I had so many friends, even a boyfriend. I thought that I was back to my normal self. Little did I know, this was only the beginning. While my friends went out, I chose to remain home. When I went to parties, I couldn’t help but think I’d have had a better time on my own. Even when surrounded by others, I felt shut out, as if I were different from everyone else.

In my opinion, depression will never really go away. It may hide around, but it will always linger near by. It’s like the devil in a emotional form. It’s everywhere. I feel as if certain things trigger my depression. Arguments, school, just so many things. Over the course of the next few years following High School I’ve had so many relapses. My depression came back full swing in the midst of graduation, life experiences, relationships, family issues, death and everything else you could think of. I began failing in school, hating my life, feeling more alone even when I was in a room full of people. No matter how many friends I had at the moment, I still felt like I had no one.

I used to wake up every morning and wonder if there was any point in getting out of bed and starting the day I had ahead of me. I avoided social situations and had self-image issues. I was scared of everything and didn’t want to live life anymore.

Once the anxiety took over and I lost control of my thoughts, my mind moved to a very dark place. I was driving myself crazy by living in my head 24/7, unable to switch off.

And with the anxiety came depression. I ball myself up in the corner of the room, with my knees drawn to my chest and tears melting through my shirt like little drops of acid. For a long time, I saw very little hope that I would ever smile again.
At this day in my life, I have been able to control my triggers as well as my symptoms of depression. Now I only feel withdrawn if I’m backed into a corner or under pressure in certain situations.Last night my fiance and I went bowling and then after out for dinner and I caught myself being a little withdrawn. It had absolutely nothing to do with him and I was totally having a good time but for some reason my mind was in a whirlwind but I had blank thoughts. There was absolutely nothing wrong with me mentally or emotionally but physically my face said something totally different. i know it bothers my guy when he see’s me going through this but we fight everyday together to fix this.
 Each and every one of us has our own personal cure for depression. The only way you will find yours is if you get out of bed and get out into the world. You may discover a new life, a new love, a new happiness. Giving up cannot be an option. Be grateful. Be happy.

When you’re feeling extremely depressed or suicidal, your problems don’t seem temporary—they seem overwhelming and permanent. But with time, you will feel better, especially if you reach out for help. If you are feeling suicidal, know that there are many people who want to support you during this difficult time, so please reach out for help!

Read Suicide Help or call 1-800-273-TALK in the U.S. or visit IASP or to find a helpline in your country.

If you think a friend or family member is considering suicide, express your concern and seek professional help immediately. Talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a life!

 I can’t stop the waves from coming, but I’m learning to surf.


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