If anyone had told me several years ago that everything would get better, I would have nodded while screaming disbelief inside my head. I thought things simply could not get better, that I’d be forever feel imprisoned in a dark room. Hi, my name is LaShaen and I am in a battle with Depression.
Some of you reading this may think that depression is a form of emotion that just comes and goes and then everything goes back to normal the next day and so on. WRONG! Depression is so much more than that.Sadness or downswings in mood are normal reactions to life’s struggles, setbacks, and disappointments. Many people use the word “depression” to explain these kinds of feelings, but depression is much more than just sadness.
Some people describe depression as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. However, some depressed people don’t feel sad at all—they may feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic, or men in particular may even feel angry, aggressive, and restless.
Whatever the symptoms, depression is different from normal sadness in that it engulfs your day-to-day life, interfering with your ability to work, study, eat, sleep, and have fun. The feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness are intense and unrelenting, with little, if any, relief.
I began my battle with Depression at a young age, around middle school. I was miserable. There was so much going on surrounding my mother’s death and I jut could not deal. I was always in a mix between hot and cold. I went from happy to sad, angry to furious in a matter of seconds. It was so hard on me. It was just something that I could not turn off. Although I wanted to so badly, i couldn’t reach out for help. I gave in to peer pressure, I did all of the wrong things and acted out because I had no control over it. I’d lock myself in my room away from everything and just mope. I thought i was going to die. The light at the end of the tunnel came for me when I entered High School. I began to feel normal again. I had so many friends, even a boyfriend. I thought that I was back to my normal self. Little did I know, this was only the beginning. While my friends went out, I chose to remain home. When I went to parties, I couldn’t help but think I’d have had a better time on my own. Even when surrounded by others, I felt shut out, as if I were different from everyone else.
In my opinion, depression will never really go away. It may hide around, but it will always linger near by. It’s like the devil in a emotional form. It’s everywhere. I feel as if certain things trigger my depression. Arguments, school, just so many things. Over the course of the next few years following High School I’ve had so many relapses. My depression came back full swing in the midst of graduation, life experiences, relationships, family issues, death and everything else you could think of. I began failing in school, hating my life, feeling more alone even when I was in a room full of people. No matter how many friends I had at the moment, I still felt like I had no one.
Once the anxiety took over and I lost control of my thoughts, my mind moved to a very dark place. I was driving myself crazy by living in my head 24/7, unable to switch off.
When you’re feeling extremely depressed or suicidal, your problems don’t seem temporary—they seem overwhelming and permanent. But with time, you will feel better, especially if you reach out for help. If you are feeling suicidal, know that there are many people who want to support you during this difficult time, so please reach out for help!
If you think a friend or family member is considering suicide, express your concern and seek professional help immediately. Talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a life!